BREAKING NEWS: Self-Righteous Asshole Who Loved Inviting Others To Enjoy Winter’s Splendor Finally Dies Of Hypothermia
PORT PERRY, ON – Arthur Jolly, died on Saturday at the age of 33, while building yet another snowman. Witnesses report seeing him earlier that day on a local trail. He was cross country skiing through the forest in a t-shirt and shorts and humming the theme song from “Frozen”. Jolly’s body was found later that day, after, in a typical Ontario fashion, the temperature dropped thirty degrees within two hours.
Although Jolly has been universally hated by his friends and family during the winter months for encouraging them to “enjoy Canadian winter wonderland”, and “make the most of this beautiful season”, the police report that there were no signs of foul play. Investigators believe Jolly’s death was caused by extreme weather and unhealthy levels of optimism.
Jolly’s girlfriend Amanda delivered a touching eulogy. “I hated how he’d always go on and on about how there is no such thing as bad weather, just bad attitude” she reminisces. “After every snowstorm, he’d spend three hours shovelling the driveway, grinning from ear to ear the entire time. It was fucking maddening.” She wipes a tear, and smiles.
Amanda plans to continue to stay indoors until the first signs of Ontario spring (sometime in July of this year). She has also joined a support group at FuckWinter.com, and is currently seeking a partner with more similar weather inclinations.