You wake up with a distant feeling of doom, which is only confirmed by your quick glance in the bathroom mirror. Jabba the Hutt stares back at you, with a smug smile.
This ain’t a bad hair day. You didn’t get the flu.
It’s a fat day.
It’s going to be a long one. You feel fat. Big. Huge.
You feel as fat as…
The inner critic is fresh and full of energy. She has a full working day ahead. A fat day! Her favourite! It’s practically a casual Friday. In fact, go ahead and call in sick.
She warms up with some classics.
You are as fat as…
… a pig
… a cow
The inner critic is known for her attention to detail. Yet, she somehow misses the crucial distinction between feeling fat and being fat. She wants to make sure you really get in touch with those feelings of doom and gloom, and general sense of hugeness.
Then things get a bit more exotic:
You are as fat as…
… a rhino
… a hippo
… a beluga
… a pregnant whale. This one is that much worse, if you are actually pregnant.
She even moves on to inanimate entities:
… a house
… a mountain
… a whole planet
For bonus points, I suggest you head out in attempt of securing a certain item of clothing. Jeans work well. Chances are, you will return after few hours, feeling close to suicidal. Or homicidal (depending how nasty the salesgirls are).
If you are in the mood for a special kind of pain, may I suggest shopping for a swimming suit. On a fat day, every swimsuit looks about as flattering as a pair of bike shorts. The ruffles designed to mask imperfections seem to mock you on purpose. You are not just a hippo. You are a hippo in a fucking tankini. With ruffles.
Maybe it’s a girl thing. I don’t know.
For men trying to relate, imagine a day when your facial hair seems to have stopped growing. Or you catch a hint of a receding hairline.
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU ARE HAVING A FAT DAY:
1. complain to your best friend
Women have an unspoken rule. Always back up a sister when she is having a fat day. This is akin to asking for a tampon. Whether you like this particular specimen in a skirt or not, if you have said product, you hand it over. No questions asked. No exceptions.
“Do I look fat?”, asks the pregnant whale. The best friend looks down and shakes her head from side to side vigorously. Another unspoken rule – best friends take turns having fat days.
2. lament to your significant other
The better ones out there will sigh (almost imperceptibly), and launch into a passionate defense of your waist line, and how you certainly do not resemble any of the exotic animals you mention. Use this one with caution. Preferably, no more frequently than once a month. If you wake up on a fat day, and have already used up your monthly pass, see strategy #1.
3. do something that makes you happy
This is probably a pretty good strategy for any day. Fat or not. What puts a smile on your face?
- Go to the gym.
- Lift something heavy. It’s pretty hard to feel fat, while you are deadlifting your body weight. Or more. True story.
4. feel the feeling
You feel fat today. Ok, then. Go with it.
Feeling fat is very distinct from being fat. The two may or may not go together.
After all, you do not wake up in the morning significantly fatter than the night before. Yet you certainly FEEL that way. It seems that yesterday the mirror reflected a sexy fox, and all of a sudden today not a single piece of clothing from your closet fits properly. Except these shorts. Your husbands’ shorts. Oy vey.
Feeing fat is just that. A feeling. There are plenty of women feeling beautiful and slender at 200 pounds, and there are those who feel fat, despite barely tipping the scale at 100 pounds. Fat is a feeling.
If there is one thing I know, it’s that feelings pass. Buddhists were onto something. And the sexy fox will be waiting for you in the mirror tomorrow.